2005/10/25
Come to my new page
HI, If you want to visit Calcutta Puja Pandal Come along me. I have taken few snaps for you. Watch it http://dyutimoy.multiply.com
Vivekananda Bridge, Kolkata
Vivekananda Bridge on River Hoogly. We used to go to the bridge and chat with ourselves for hours together. We call it Bali Bridge.
2005/10/14
Rasgulla for all
Rasgulla is one of the famous and delicious food. In today's Hi-tech world we got tin packed rasgulla, but it is not that much testy as if you get one coming out of the oven just now.We have a tradition to offer sweet after wishing any body Subho bijaya....That's why here is all these Rasogolla for u !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Subho Vijaya
Subho Vijayar Preeti Subechha o Osonkho Bhalobasa [Happy Vijaya and many many Happy Returns of the Year]
2005/10/10
2005/10/06
Happy Birth Day Catch 22
Freinds, u must know the name Neil Stephen
today his only Blog turned one year old.
HAPPY BIRTH DAY TO catch 22!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He is the first person to start bloging in our university!!!!!!!!!!!
but he is so simple that he did not confine this bloging oppertunity to himself only. He encouraged many one like me for bloging.
all student in our College feels that he might be a mad man wasteing all his time without any study ....here every body is always running for Career...fighting for a single inches
but I personally feel he is the only person who does not think only of his career but only thinks what he feels, he dares to do what he wants to do...he does only what he wishes ..............
Carry on and Cheer up Neil
Happy Birth Day to ur Catch 22
today his only Blog turned one year old.
HAPPY BIRTH DAY TO catch 22!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He is the first person to start bloging in our university!!!!!!!!!!!
but he is so simple that he did not confine this bloging oppertunity to himself only. He encouraged many one like me for bloging.
all student in our College feels that he might be a mad man wasteing all his time without any study ....here every body is always running for Career...fighting for a single inches
but I personally feel he is the only person who does not think only of his career but only thinks what he feels, he dares to do what he wants to do...he does only what he wishes ..............
Carry on and Cheer up Neil
Happy Birth Day to ur Catch 22
2005/10/01
Thank u Neil !!!
HI, after a long time I am writing in my blog. I was severly criticised by my good friends tath my language is not good, some suggested tath my presentation is not good. So I thought I will not write untill and unless I am able to improve it properly. But it is my good friend Neil who mailed me again and again to write in the Blog.He encouraged me a lot to write what ever I feel and I think. So I am writing again.
Thank you Neil. Thanks a lot.
2005/03/16
Come to my school- Hindu School
Come to my school- Hindu School …since 1817
India’s one of the most ancient school. …Established on 1817 by David Hare and other distinguished Bengalies…like Raja Ramohon Roy and many more …..
It was the time of Bengali renaissance, the British needed some obedient servant who can talk their language and write their language so they started to tech Indians English, Sanskrit and mathematics… so they made a school for the English man in the Calcutta fort for them…by this time all others Bengali’s felt that they need some western education not only to compete with the English but also for the development of them selves…
You must have heard about Henry Luie Derogio, he was the first to die for the renaissance…he was one of the famous teacher of Hindu College…when it was established Hindu school was called as Hindu College[1]… he made the pupil to know what is right and what is wrong, encouraged them to fight against the Bengali superstition … breaking all restrictions and putting behind all problems…
In that point of time Hindu college was compared with Oxford…all the famous Bengali’s were the student of this prestigious institution … Scientist Satyendra Nath Bose was one of them… and many many more…
I was also one of them … I got admit ion in standard six…before that I was a student of Patha Bhavan[2] …when I first came to school it was for the entrance test conducted by the school… I was old enough that as soon as I entered I felt that if I could get admit ion in this school I will be the happiest person in the world … yes I got it …in the first day in the school it was terrific… it was on the Heart of Calcutta…one of the busiest road goes just beside my school…you must have heard about College Street… yes Asia’s biggest book market… for New as well as old books… lots of people bargaining, buying and selling books…all thse book shops were on the footpath…so there was always heavy crowd always…lots of vehicles used to run on this road, so you can imagine the situation … I was born and brought up in Dakshineswar and it was like town and my school was at village side… so I never faced so heavy crowd so many vehicles… my mother used to drop me in the school…till standard 11th I used to go with her… in Calcutta/Kolakata it was a common practice…mother’s never feels that her son/ daughter has grown up!!!!!!!!!!!
Now I should tell you the geographical situation of my school… come with me…if you enter my school from the main door … do not enter wait on the gate …you have two choice one the school gate and on the just left side you will get the entrance gate to Indian Coffee house… it is famous for Bengalis addakhana (place for chatting) you will get there all the famous writers, poets and lovers… if you do not have money in your pocket then go to the right side from the school gate the road goes to Headua… Headua is a swimming pool…it is one of the oldest pool of Kolkata as I know… you can have adda for hours their free of costs…there are Govt. benches around the pool… sit and have a packet of jhalmuri and chat chat and chat … if you are bored with all this, then cross the main road… on the opposite side of our school it was Presidency College, Kolkata and just adjoining to the building of Presidency college it is Hare School, and then Calcutta University Building and then Calcutta Medical College … so it was the heaven for students… he may be of any standard and of any school…on the back side of my school it was Sanskrit College, and School…till standard 11th my mother was always with me…she went with me from house to school and then waited there and come back with me…it was like that she also had her classes out side the school gate… it was not my mother only it was many more … at least all most all the student’s parents… actually my home was at a distance of 20KM from my house and in Kolkata we have to travel by private owned buses…buses are more in number than roads, they drive very rash … so it was a risky to move on the roads of Kolkata… I am not defaming Kolkata, I am just telling you the fact…it was due to the cause that Kolkata is not like any other planed city it just grows as people needed so there was no plan, and due to heavy population it has become almost impossible today to control it… but now a days new plans and projects are taken in to hands to restricts and for the betterment of the city…so the situation does not allow my parents to let me go to school alone … so till 11th standard I could not go out of my school, because my mother used to wait beside the school gate… I could not get any chance to test all these till 12th standard, before I used to see all these from the school window… in the 12th I chose science as my basic subjects…we had to attend practical training, on top floor there were three laboratories, one for Bio-science another for Physics and another for Chemistry. These all were small library with small fundamental instruments. We had classes for the first half only and the other half was laboratories. Like all other Govt. school laboratory we did not have the any instruments for our use. It was not because that we do not have instruments but because these instruments were not handled with care and proper way. So we used to come out from the school … mother was not on the gate so I was free… I did not get much money from my mother…so I along with my friends used to sit at Hedua anda chat… all those who used to come out with me had at least one girl friend except me, so they used to tell what they had chat when they meet last time or where did they go at last time or their future plans. I used to listen to them. By this way it turns 4pm we all used to get up and start for our destinations.
India’s one of the most ancient school. …Established on 1817 by David Hare and other distinguished Bengalies…like Raja Ramohon Roy and many more …..
It was the time of Bengali renaissance, the British needed some obedient servant who can talk their language and write their language so they started to tech Indians English, Sanskrit and mathematics… so they made a school for the English man in the Calcutta fort for them…by this time all others Bengali’s felt that they need some western education not only to compete with the English but also for the development of them selves…
You must have heard about Henry Luie Derogio, he was the first to die for the renaissance…he was one of the famous teacher of Hindu College…when it was established Hindu school was called as Hindu College[1]… he made the pupil to know what is right and what is wrong, encouraged them to fight against the Bengali superstition … breaking all restrictions and putting behind all problems…
In that point of time Hindu college was compared with Oxford…all the famous Bengali’s were the student of this prestigious institution … Scientist Satyendra Nath Bose was one of them… and many many more…
I was also one of them … I got admit ion in standard six…before that I was a student of Patha Bhavan[2] …when I first came to school it was for the entrance test conducted by the school… I was old enough that as soon as I entered I felt that if I could get admit ion in this school I will be the happiest person in the world … yes I got it …in the first day in the school it was terrific… it was on the Heart of Calcutta…one of the busiest road goes just beside my school…you must have heard about College Street… yes Asia’s biggest book market… for New as well as old books… lots of people bargaining, buying and selling books…all thse book shops were on the footpath…so there was always heavy crowd always…lots of vehicles used to run on this road, so you can imagine the situation … I was born and brought up in Dakshineswar and it was like town and my school was at village side… so I never faced so heavy crowd so many vehicles… my mother used to drop me in the school…till standard 11th I used to go with her… in Calcutta/Kolakata it was a common practice…mother’s never feels that her son/ daughter has grown up!!!!!!!!!!!
Now I should tell you the geographical situation of my school… come with me…if you enter my school from the main door … do not enter wait on the gate …you have two choice one the school gate and on the just left side you will get the entrance gate to Indian Coffee house… it is famous for Bengalis addakhana (place for chatting) you will get there all the famous writers, poets and lovers… if you do not have money in your pocket then go to the right side from the school gate the road goes to Headua… Headua is a swimming pool…it is one of the oldest pool of Kolkata as I know… you can have adda for hours their free of costs…there are Govt. benches around the pool… sit and have a packet of jhalmuri and chat chat and chat … if you are bored with all this, then cross the main road… on the opposite side of our school it was Presidency College, Kolkata and just adjoining to the building of Presidency college it is Hare School, and then Calcutta University Building and then Calcutta Medical College … so it was the heaven for students… he may be of any standard and of any school…on the back side of my school it was Sanskrit College, and School…till standard 11th my mother was always with me…she went with me from house to school and then waited there and come back with me…it was like that she also had her classes out side the school gate… it was not my mother only it was many more … at least all most all the student’s parents… actually my home was at a distance of 20KM from my house and in Kolkata we have to travel by private owned buses…buses are more in number than roads, they drive very rash … so it was a risky to move on the roads of Kolkata… I am not defaming Kolkata, I am just telling you the fact…it was due to the cause that Kolkata is not like any other planed city it just grows as people needed so there was no plan, and due to heavy population it has become almost impossible today to control it… but now a days new plans and projects are taken in to hands to restricts and for the betterment of the city…so the situation does not allow my parents to let me go to school alone … so till 11th standard I could not go out of my school, because my mother used to wait beside the school gate… I could not get any chance to test all these till 12th standard, before I used to see all these from the school window… in the 12th I chose science as my basic subjects…we had to attend practical training, on top floor there were three laboratories, one for Bio-science another for Physics and another for Chemistry. These all were small library with small fundamental instruments. We had classes for the first half only and the other half was laboratories. Like all other Govt. school laboratory we did not have the any instruments for our use. It was not because that we do not have instruments but because these instruments were not handled with care and proper way. So we used to come out from the school … mother was not on the gate so I was free… I did not get much money from my mother…so I along with my friends used to sit at Hedua anda chat… all those who used to come out with me had at least one girl friend except me, so they used to tell what they had chat when they meet last time or where did they go at last time or their future plans. I used to listen to them. By this way it turns 4pm we all used to get up and start for our destinations.
2005/02/19
Ritual and Play Emotion
Ritual and Play Emotion
Myths of Devi Durga an Bengali sentiment
Durga Puja, the festival of Bengalis is the worship of 'Shakti' or the divine power. Most of the religious celebrations in the world have legends surrounding them. The fables are generally the fight between the evil and the good, the dark forces eventually succumbing to the divine. Worship of Goddess Durga is based on myths where Durga symbolizes the divine power.
According To the Bengali Mythology
Mahishasura, the king of Asuras, through years of austerities, was once granted a boon by Lord Bramha, that no man or deity would be able to kill him. The immense power filled in him the urge to rule over the world. He started to terrorize heaven and the inhabitants. He pervaded the world with his battalion of Asuras and plundered and ruthlessly killed the people. Chaos and anarchy reigned. Gods were driven from heaven and Mahishasura usurped the throne.
The Gods scared and unable to combat him, requested Lord Shiva, Lord Bramha, Lord Vishnu to stop Mahishasura's tyranny. In answer, the three Gods combined their divine energy and summoned up a feminine form so brilliantly glaring that it illuminated the heavens. This combined power fell on the residence of Sage Kattyana in the krishna chaturdashi (fourteenth day of new moon) in the month of Ashwin (September-October). From the glow emerged Devi Durga, a beautiful yellow woman with ten arms riding a lion. Despite her grace she bore a menacing expression, for Durga was born to kill. Fully grown and armed by the gods, beautiful Durga was named "Kattyani" as she is born in the ashram of sage Kattyana. The sage worshipped her for sukla saptami, asthami and nabami tithi then on the tithi of Dashami she killed Masishasura. She was sent forth against Mahishasura armed by symbols of divine power; Vishnu's discus; Shiva's trident; Varuna's conchshell; Agni's flaming dart; Vayu's bow; Surya's quiver and arrow; Yama's iron rod; Indra's thunderbolt; Kubera's club and a garland of snakes from Shesha and a lion as a charger from Himalayas. A fierce battle took place. Finally when Mahishasura in the guise of a buffalo charged against Durga, the Devi beheaded the buffalo and from it emerge Mahishasura in his original form. Durga pierced his chest with the trident and relieved the world from the evil power. That is why she is 'Durgatinashini Durga', our mother goddess who destroys the evil, protects her devotees and establishes peace and prosperity on earth.
We worship Durga as the mother goddess, the epitome of 'Shakti' (divine power), to deliver us from the evil and bring peace and prosperity in our lives. But the most interesting part of Durga Puja is that, instead of placing Durga on a high alter and worshipping her from a distance the Bengalis embrace her in their hearts and make her an inseparable member of the family. We welcome Durga to the earth as our daughter who comes at her parents' home for her annual visits. Durga stays for four days-Shashti, Saptami, Ashtami and Nabami along with her children, Ganesha, Laxmi, Kartik and Saraswati and sets for her husband's abode on Vijaya Dashami.
Durga's mode of journey to the earth is detailed in scriptures. The modes, an elephant, a horse, palanquin, boat all signify luck or omen which influence the life on earth. The elephant signifies prosperity and good harvest while journey on a horse back indicates drought, a palanquin spells wide spread epidemic and the boat suggests flood and misery.
The worship of Devi Durga in the month of October however owes its origin to Krittibas Ojha's "Ramayana". Sree Rama hastily worships Durga, the goddess of 'Shakti', just before he sets for Lanka to rescue Sita from Ravana. According to Puranas, King Suratha, used to worship the goddess Durga in spring. Thus Durga Puja was also known as Basanti Puja. But Rama prepones the Puja and worships the Devi in autumn and that is why it is known as 'Akal Bodhon'[1] or untimely worship. Over the years, this Akal Bodhon has become the tradition among Bengalis (Bangalis) and in Bengal.
I think the concept of ‘Durga’ is quite confusing in Bengali culture. In a society like the Bengali society it is quite obvious that there must be a dominance of male in each of their activity. It happens that when ever there is a problem in our society we always approach to the female member to save our selves (both male and female). Here from it is quite clear that we are motivated by the self-interest.
Now the image of Durga in Bengali culture is “ a modest and decent Bengali lady, with her family consisting of husband Shiva and other two sons Ganesh and Kartic and two daughters Lakshmi and Swaraswati.” So from the description it is clear the concept of Durga is none but a simple housewife. So she cannot be asked to go and fight with a unknown Mahisasur, it is also to be remembered that this mahisasur cannot be killed by a male. So how can one expect that a lady will go and kill her? So it is clear that she was doing all this in a situation of unconscious mind. If we look in the instruments given to ‘Durga’ by all the other Goddess includes liquor. So she killed Mahisasur in a conquience of being dunked. Here the question of Emotion comes, a quite housewife is emotionally blackmailed by the other male member of the society and forced to face dangerous Mahisasur.
Now if we look the matter in the perspective of Durga as a village house wife having no knowledge about ‘Shastra’ and weapon going to fight against powerful mahisasur. Then quite obvious the question arises why she had been sent to fight with mahisasur? Because there is pre-exsisting condition that only lady can kill him. If suppose Durga would have failed to win then what would have the consequence of the situation she would have been caught and… So she had a fear of failure so she cannot lose. To win anyhow she was given liquor for herself and for her competitor to make her way to win a bit easy. Why she was given liquor? Because it was not possible to kill a person in a simple and general mentality. So she took the advantage of being woman! Gave her ‘Sura’ and finished him off. The emotion behind this is that a simple woman can come and kill any person until and unless she is forced to do so. She was forced to do so saying that if you don’t kill him he will kill you all. So she had no other option than to kill him. To commit murder cannot be done so easily so she was made intoxicated and then sent to kill him.
Kumari Puja
Goddess Durga arrives to her earthly abode with her four children, Laskhmi, Saraswati, Kartik and Ganesh. We worship her as the Goddess of Shakti who overpowered the evil to establish peace and prosperity on earth. She is also the daughter making her yearly visits at her parents place along with her children for four days. The Goddess is worshipped in various forms during her stay here. One of those forms is the "Kumari", the Virgin form. This mould is the most powerful form of Mahashakti.
A girl aged between one to sixteen, symbolising the Kumari form of Devi is worshipped in front of the idol of Goddess Durga. The Kumari form of the Goddess was emphasised as the most dynamic form by the devotees since yester years as Kumari Shakti is the basis of all creations. Our scriptures have emphasised Kumari Puja particularly to evolve the purity and divinity of the women of the society. Diminishing the larger than life stature of the Goddess to someone much nearer and closer is the real reason for this form of worship. Sri RamKrishna had said that Kumari is another form of Devi Durga and he himself worshipped Sarada Ma as Kumari. To imagine the Goddess in the mould of a Kumari is an age-old concept. In Mahabharata Arjuna had performed Kumari Puja. The Puranas mention the Kumari form of Chandika.
Selection of Kumari
The scriptures mention the great care with which the Kumari is selected to be worshipped as the earthly representative of Devi Durga. The qualities required in the girl has to match the dynamism, purity and serenity of the Goddess. A calm, serene and an unmarried girl with a bright disposition between one to sixteen years, who has not yet reached her puberty and is bereft of desire, worldly pleasures and anger is the right requisite for the Kumari Puja. Depending on the age of the girls they are worshipped in the various forms of the Goddess. A one year old girl is worshipped in the Sandhya form of the
Devi while a two year old is worshipped in the Saraswati mould of the Devi. A three year old girl is worshipped in the Tridha form of Durga and a four year old is worshipped in the Kalika mould of the Devi. Subhaga and Uma are the forms of Durga for a five and a six year old respectively. Malini form of the Goddess represents a seven year old while Kujjika represents a eight year old girl. Kalsondarbha and Aparajita stands for a ten year old girl and an eleven year old girl. Bhairavi is represented by a twelve year old girl and Mahalakhmi by a thirteen year old girl. Pitnayika, Khetragya and Ambika by a fourteen, fifteen and sixteen year old girl respectively.
Worshipping the Kumari
Kumari Puja is held on Ashtami or sometimes Nabami. Kumari Puja is performed in Annapurna, Jagatdhatri and even Kali Puja, as without Kumari Puja, the yagna (homa) remains incomplete. In the dawn of Ashtami or Nabami, the Kumari is bathed in Ganga water and is clad in a red benarasi saari. She is then adorned with flowers and jewelry; alta (red liquid) is applied to her feet and a 'tilak' of sindur on her forehead. The young Kumari fasts the whole day until the puja is over. On a decorated chair she is made to sit before the goddess and a flower from the Devi's hand is placed in her hand.
Placed before her are flowers, bel (wood apple) leaves, incense sticks, lamps, 'noibiddo' and other things required for puja. The purohit then chants the mantras and the sound of dhak fill the atmosphere. After the puja the divinity of the Goddess Durga is said to be seen in the girl. It is customary to gift the girl with gold, silver and clothes. To gift the Kumari is considered to be a pious act.
Kumari Puja is very much prevalent in Belur Math. In 1902, Swami Vivekananda performed Kumari puja for the first time in Belur. In the premises of the Math, in the mandap, in the presence of Sarada Ma, Swamiji worshipped nine Kumari girls. He offered pushpanjali at their feet, gave them sweets and 'dakshina' (gift). He touched their feet after the completion of the puja. Later with meditation and mantras he worshipped Sarada Ma as Goddess Durga.
[1] Worshiping in a time when she should not be called
Myths of Devi Durga an Bengali sentiment
Durga Puja, the festival of Bengalis is the worship of 'Shakti' or the divine power. Most of the religious celebrations in the world have legends surrounding them. The fables are generally the fight between the evil and the good, the dark forces eventually succumbing to the divine. Worship of Goddess Durga is based on myths where Durga symbolizes the divine power.
According To the Bengali Mythology
Mahishasura, the king of Asuras, through years of austerities, was once granted a boon by Lord Bramha, that no man or deity would be able to kill him. The immense power filled in him the urge to rule over the world. He started to terrorize heaven and the inhabitants. He pervaded the world with his battalion of Asuras and plundered and ruthlessly killed the people. Chaos and anarchy reigned. Gods were driven from heaven and Mahishasura usurped the throne.
The Gods scared and unable to combat him, requested Lord Shiva, Lord Bramha, Lord Vishnu to stop Mahishasura's tyranny. In answer, the three Gods combined their divine energy and summoned up a feminine form so brilliantly glaring that it illuminated the heavens. This combined power fell on the residence of Sage Kattyana in the krishna chaturdashi (fourteenth day of new moon) in the month of Ashwin (September-October). From the glow emerged Devi Durga, a beautiful yellow woman with ten arms riding a lion. Despite her grace she bore a menacing expression, for Durga was born to kill. Fully grown and armed by the gods, beautiful Durga was named "Kattyani" as she is born in the ashram of sage Kattyana. The sage worshipped her for sukla saptami, asthami and nabami tithi then on the tithi of Dashami she killed Masishasura. She was sent forth against Mahishasura armed by symbols of divine power; Vishnu's discus; Shiva's trident; Varuna's conchshell; Agni's flaming dart; Vayu's bow; Surya's quiver and arrow; Yama's iron rod; Indra's thunderbolt; Kubera's club and a garland of snakes from Shesha and a lion as a charger from Himalayas. A fierce battle took place. Finally when Mahishasura in the guise of a buffalo charged against Durga, the Devi beheaded the buffalo and from it emerge Mahishasura in his original form. Durga pierced his chest with the trident and relieved the world from the evil power. That is why she is 'Durgatinashini Durga', our mother goddess who destroys the evil, protects her devotees and establishes peace and prosperity on earth.
We worship Durga as the mother goddess, the epitome of 'Shakti' (divine power), to deliver us from the evil and bring peace and prosperity in our lives. But the most interesting part of Durga Puja is that, instead of placing Durga on a high alter and worshipping her from a distance the Bengalis embrace her in their hearts and make her an inseparable member of the family. We welcome Durga to the earth as our daughter who comes at her parents' home for her annual visits. Durga stays for four days-Shashti, Saptami, Ashtami and Nabami along with her children, Ganesha, Laxmi, Kartik and Saraswati and sets for her husband's abode on Vijaya Dashami.
Durga's mode of journey to the earth is detailed in scriptures. The modes, an elephant, a horse, palanquin, boat all signify luck or omen which influence the life on earth. The elephant signifies prosperity and good harvest while journey on a horse back indicates drought, a palanquin spells wide spread epidemic and the boat suggests flood and misery.
The worship of Devi Durga in the month of October however owes its origin to Krittibas Ojha's "Ramayana". Sree Rama hastily worships Durga, the goddess of 'Shakti', just before he sets for Lanka to rescue Sita from Ravana. According to Puranas, King Suratha, used to worship the goddess Durga in spring. Thus Durga Puja was also known as Basanti Puja. But Rama prepones the Puja and worships the Devi in autumn and that is why it is known as 'Akal Bodhon'[1] or untimely worship. Over the years, this Akal Bodhon has become the tradition among Bengalis (Bangalis) and in Bengal.
I think the concept of ‘Durga’ is quite confusing in Bengali culture. In a society like the Bengali society it is quite obvious that there must be a dominance of male in each of their activity. It happens that when ever there is a problem in our society we always approach to the female member to save our selves (both male and female). Here from it is quite clear that we are motivated by the self-interest.
Now the image of Durga in Bengali culture is “ a modest and decent Bengali lady, with her family consisting of husband Shiva and other two sons Ganesh and Kartic and two daughters Lakshmi and Swaraswati.” So from the description it is clear the concept of Durga is none but a simple housewife. So she cannot be asked to go and fight with a unknown Mahisasur, it is also to be remembered that this mahisasur cannot be killed by a male. So how can one expect that a lady will go and kill her? So it is clear that she was doing all this in a situation of unconscious mind. If we look in the instruments given to ‘Durga’ by all the other Goddess includes liquor. So she killed Mahisasur in a conquience of being dunked. Here the question of Emotion comes, a quite housewife is emotionally blackmailed by the other male member of the society and forced to face dangerous Mahisasur.
Now if we look the matter in the perspective of Durga as a village house wife having no knowledge about ‘Shastra’ and weapon going to fight against powerful mahisasur. Then quite obvious the question arises why she had been sent to fight with mahisasur? Because there is pre-exsisting condition that only lady can kill him. If suppose Durga would have failed to win then what would have the consequence of the situation she would have been caught and… So she had a fear of failure so she cannot lose. To win anyhow she was given liquor for herself and for her competitor to make her way to win a bit easy. Why she was given liquor? Because it was not possible to kill a person in a simple and general mentality. So she took the advantage of being woman! Gave her ‘Sura’ and finished him off. The emotion behind this is that a simple woman can come and kill any person until and unless she is forced to do so. She was forced to do so saying that if you don’t kill him he will kill you all. So she had no other option than to kill him. To commit murder cannot be done so easily so she was made intoxicated and then sent to kill him.
Kumari Puja
Goddess Durga arrives to her earthly abode with her four children, Laskhmi, Saraswati, Kartik and Ganesh. We worship her as the Goddess of Shakti who overpowered the evil to establish peace and prosperity on earth. She is also the daughter making her yearly visits at her parents place along with her children for four days. The Goddess is worshipped in various forms during her stay here. One of those forms is the "Kumari", the Virgin form. This mould is the most powerful form of Mahashakti.
A girl aged between one to sixteen, symbolising the Kumari form of Devi is worshipped in front of the idol of Goddess Durga. The Kumari form of the Goddess was emphasised as the most dynamic form by the devotees since yester years as Kumari Shakti is the basis of all creations. Our scriptures have emphasised Kumari Puja particularly to evolve the purity and divinity of the women of the society. Diminishing the larger than life stature of the Goddess to someone much nearer and closer is the real reason for this form of worship. Sri RamKrishna had said that Kumari is another form of Devi Durga and he himself worshipped Sarada Ma as Kumari. To imagine the Goddess in the mould of a Kumari is an age-old concept. In Mahabharata Arjuna had performed Kumari Puja. The Puranas mention the Kumari form of Chandika.
Selection of Kumari
The scriptures mention the great care with which the Kumari is selected to be worshipped as the earthly representative of Devi Durga. The qualities required in the girl has to match the dynamism, purity and serenity of the Goddess. A calm, serene and an unmarried girl with a bright disposition between one to sixteen years, who has not yet reached her puberty and is bereft of desire, worldly pleasures and anger is the right requisite for the Kumari Puja. Depending on the age of the girls they are worshipped in the various forms of the Goddess. A one year old girl is worshipped in the Sandhya form of the
Devi while a two year old is worshipped in the Saraswati mould of the Devi. A three year old girl is worshipped in the Tridha form of Durga and a four year old is worshipped in the Kalika mould of the Devi. Subhaga and Uma are the forms of Durga for a five and a six year old respectively. Malini form of the Goddess represents a seven year old while Kujjika represents a eight year old girl. Kalsondarbha and Aparajita stands for a ten year old girl and an eleven year old girl. Bhairavi is represented by a twelve year old girl and Mahalakhmi by a thirteen year old girl. Pitnayika, Khetragya and Ambika by a fourteen, fifteen and sixteen year old girl respectively.
Worshipping the Kumari
Kumari Puja is held on Ashtami or sometimes Nabami. Kumari Puja is performed in Annapurna, Jagatdhatri and even Kali Puja, as without Kumari Puja, the yagna (homa) remains incomplete. In the dawn of Ashtami or Nabami, the Kumari is bathed in Ganga water and is clad in a red benarasi saari. She is then adorned with flowers and jewelry; alta (red liquid) is applied to her feet and a 'tilak' of sindur on her forehead. The young Kumari fasts the whole day until the puja is over. On a decorated chair she is made to sit before the goddess and a flower from the Devi's hand is placed in her hand.
Placed before her are flowers, bel (wood apple) leaves, incense sticks, lamps, 'noibiddo' and other things required for puja. The purohit then chants the mantras and the sound of dhak fill the atmosphere. After the puja the divinity of the Goddess Durga is said to be seen in the girl. It is customary to gift the girl with gold, silver and clothes. To gift the Kumari is considered to be a pious act.
Kumari Puja is very much prevalent in Belur Math. In 1902, Swami Vivekananda performed Kumari puja for the first time in Belur. In the premises of the Math, in the mandap, in the presence of Sarada Ma, Swamiji worshipped nine Kumari girls. He offered pushpanjali at their feet, gave them sweets and 'dakshina' (gift). He touched their feet after the completion of the puja. Later with meditation and mantras he worshipped Sarada Ma as Goddess Durga.
[1] Worshiping in a time when she should not be called
Bengali Marriage
Rituals of Bengali marriage
Since Bengal is mostly a coastal region, produce from the sea plays a significant role in all religious ceremonies - hence the important presence of fish, shell and corals. A salient feature of the Bengali wedding is the blowing of the conch and the Ooli. This is a sound made by the women with their tongues and by beating the palms on the mouth throughout all the ceremonies. Ooli is significant since it symbolically ensures that everybody's attention is drawn to the main ceremony and nobody is distracted by idle gossip during the ceremonies. Weddings do not take place in the months of Bhadra, Ashwini, Paush, Chaitra and Karthik, as these months are considered inauspicious. The mahurat for the wedding is always after sunset, the Godhuli hour or the hour when the cowherds bring their flocks home.
Myth about Bengali marriage
‘Marriages are made in heaven’, goes the proverb. Two people start of a new journey towards future, hand in hand, sharing at each step new outlooks, responsibilities and love. Marriage, is an auspicious occasion among us. Arranged marriage is still a common practice while love marriages, where partners choose each other without the intervention of their family members, are more prevalent in recent times.
Arranged marriages are still a widely practiced form of forming an eternal partnership where two completely unknown people tie knots for life with the initial introduction done by the help of both the families. These relationships are more based upon the foundation of adjustments, compromises, and sacrifices and a liking for each other which blossoms into love.
Bengali marriages are a mixture of pure custom, tradition and religious beliefs. It is an occasion where the entire family gather, take part in the typical Bengali ‘Adda’, regale in fanfare and remain busy in making the necessary arrangements for the invitees.
The willingness to take responsibilities, to carry out the chores or the last tidbit marketing is met with pleasure. There is a scenario of togetherness spread at every corner. Bengali marriage is a mixture of culture, tradition and rituals.
It consists of numerous customs, mainly traditional, performed by the women of the house, for the new couple. The actual marriage ceremony, comprising of Vedic rituals is performed with devotion for the young couple about to set up a new life. It only takes a few hours to be completed. The social customs are certain practices which are mainly guided by the women-folk and are aptly called ‘Stri Achars'.
The Bengali marriage ceremony like all other marriages are dependant upon numerous symbols that signifies good and evil, purity and sanctity, sexuality and other aspects of life. For instance, the colour black is not used as it indicates triste and hopelessness, while red is considered to be a sign of luck, emotion, fortune and copulation and is widely used in décor.
Banana trees are used to decorate the ‘mandap’ or the place of marriage. A banana tree produces huge number of fruits at a time. The comparison is drawn with the bride, who is also supposed to be blessed with many children. The ‘ghat’, the coconut, these all represent child bearing or pregnancy. All these customs are meant to guide the new couple to a prosperous life and a fruitful life. These customs were more prevalent in the bygone days especially to break the unfamiliarity between the couples and help them overcome their reservations.
Adhibus
The actual ritual of a Bengali marriage ceremony begins with the 'Adhibas'. It is a gathering held in both the homes of the bride and the groom. It is either held on the evening before or on the day of the marriage. The elderly women of the family take an active part here. The ‘baran dala’ or a ‘koola’ i.e. a container made of bamboo, is decorated with lines drawn with sindoor. The ingredients of the 'baran dala' are paddy, grass, sandal, turmeric, flowers, fruits, curd, ghee, gold, silver, copper, conch shell, 'chamor' and cloth. The 'baran dala' also consists of seven beetle leaves, seven supari (beetle nuts) and seven ‘kauri’ (shell) at the bride's place while the numbers increase to nine at the groom's place.
According to the West Bengal tradition, in a different platter a 'Sri' with rice and Mashkalai (variety of whole black leguminous seed yielding gram) is made. With all these the elderly folks bless the bride and the groom. The (durba) grass mixed with oil and turmeric are tied on the left hand of the bride and the right hand of the groom. According to East Bengali tradition the Adhibus ‘tatta’ or marriage items for the bride, are sent to the bride from groom's.
Dhadhimangal or Churakaran
On the day of the marriage, before the sunrise, in both the homes of the bride and the groom, their respective mothers, along with the other five ladies, bless the bride and the groom and treat them with curd and chira (crushed rice). The bride and the groom and their respective mothers and fathers have to fast till the marriage is over. If the sampradan is done by someone else other than the father, he or she has to fast through out the day too. According to the Hindu traditions fasting is common in all occasions and is a wonderful process of cleansing the body and the soul.
Nandimookh or Briddhashrddha
In the morning of the marriage, any male relative of both the bride and the groom have to perform certain rituals to please the souls of the long gone forefathers. They take a solemn vow before the commencement of the religious ceremony mentioning the purpose for which it is intended and offer prayers to Lord Ganesh and a Devi along with an auspicious symbol painted the inner wall of a room (Basudhara).
Bar Jatra
According to Bengali customs the groom travels to the bride's home in order to marry her. Many 'Stri-Achars' are performed when the groom sets for the bride's place. A little boy, preferably a relative, would be the 'nit bar' (little groom) and accompany the groom. This is basically done to outwit the evil eyes, which is said to harm the groom when he travels alone. In the yester years the groom used to travel in a palanquin alone, with the rest of the family following, to the bride's place. The bride and the groom are made to dress up like Lakhshmi-Narayan.
Wedding Attire
Bridal Wear
The Bengali bride wears a Benarasi sari with a wide zari border and drapes a red cheli or veil on her head. There is an attractive headgear in the from of a sholar mukut or crown carved out of pith (bark of a tree). The bride's forehead is marked by artistically designed motifs. The bride also wear traditional heavy gold jewellery. Her hair is put up with pins but must not be braided or knotted (a knot is usually tied when something is broken). Her head is covered with a dupatta. Her hands and feet are decorated with alta (a red coloured dye mixed with water). She wears a garland of flowers. The traditional marriage symbols for a Bengali woman are the three types of bangles namely shankha (conch shell bangle), Pala (lacquer bangle), and loha (iron bangle).
Groom's Wear
The bridegroom dresses in traditional white dhoti and kurta. The dhoti must not be tied with any knots. It can only be folded and tucked in. He drapes a chadar around his shoulders and adorns his head with a huge sholar topor that adds height to the wearer. His accessories are a floral garland around his neck and a metallic mirror, darpan, held in his hand. His make-up consists of chandan dots on his forehead. For the actual wedding ceremony, the groom changes into clothes gifted by his father-in-law. The ensemble, is a twin set consisting of a dhoti and chadar which is made of garad, a traditional silk fabric from Bengal. The dhoti must not be tied with any knots. It can only be folded and tucked in. He now wears a topor presented to him by his father-in-law.
Pre-Wedding Rituals
Ashirwaad
This ritual is performed on anyday not earlier than one month before the wedding and not later than one day prior to the wedding. The groom goes to the house of the bride. The bride's family gives him gifts. He also gets gold, in the form of a ring or chain. He is anointed with a sandalwood tilak on his forehead. Some dhaan (rice husk signifying plentitude) and darba grass (symbolising that he will treat the bride with tenderness) is offered to him. He is then offered mishti (sweets).
Ai Buddo Bhaat
On the night before the wedding, the would be bride takes her last supper as a maiden. In her honour a complete feast with all the delicacies of the cuisine (fish, meat, etc.) is prepared. The wedding day begins at 4.00 am for the bride. She is woken up, bathed and dressed in a white sari with a red border (white symbolising purity and chastity, and red, fertility). She wears all her jewellery and is fed a mixture of puffed rice, curd and sweets. She has to eat this before dawn or before the crows caw, heralding the morning. After daybreak, she is not allowed to eat any cereal or rice. She may only eat sweets, and drink water or sharbat. This is to keep her system light and alert for the ceremony to follow. The menfolk of the girl's family, that is, her father, uncles and brothers, perform a ceremony at about 11.30 or 12.00 in the morning. They offer water to the souls of their ancestors to invoke their blessings. The girl is required to sit through this ceremony.
Jal soha
It is the arrangement for the water to be used by the bride and the groom to take a bath after the ‘gaye holud’. This water taken from the nearby reservoir is made to drip from the urn all along the path, till the person carrying it reaches the temple. Here water is collected from a married woman who is given lac dye (alta) and sindoor (vermillion). From the temple the married female relative goes around the neighbourhood to collect water. Later the bride and the groom in their respective houses are made to sit in the midst of four banana plants arranged at the four corners of a square plot. The ritual 'Gaye Holud' is performed and later are bathed with the water collected.
Haldi Uptan (Gaye Holud)
The bride is made to sit in the midst of four plantain trees kept at four corners of the room. Traditionally, the plantain leaf symbolizes the blessings of Lord Shiva and Goddess Durga. The presence of these trees is required throughout the wedding ceremony. She is then anointed with turmeric paste.
Shakha Paula
The priest chants specific Sanskrit verses. Then seven married women adorn the bride's hands with the traditional bangles made of shell and coral. Since real coral bangles are too expensive, they have been substituted today with red plastic or lac bangles. The shell is supposed to mirror the qualities of the moon, thereby implying that the girl remain serene and calm. The coral is supposed to be beneficial for health. Alongside, the girl also wears a bangle made of iron (loha), which is given by the groom. This signifies that this relationship assumes the qualities of iron, i.e. to be tough and enduring. Then lunch is served to all those who are present. The bride is then dressed up for the wedding.
Potto Bastra
At the wedding venue the groom is welcomed with a boron (straw colander) containing a lamp, honey, curd, sweets, betel leaves and cowries (symbol of plentitude and auspiciousness). This is a pointer to the hope that his presence will bring light, his speech, sweetness, like honey, and that he stays cool like curd. The priest recites Sanskrit shlokas and the father of the bride gives the groom potto bastra, i.e. a dhoti and chaadar which he will wear for the wedding ceremony. At this time other gifts to the groom may also be given. The groom also wears a garland of flowers and is seated in the mandap.
Phool Mala (flower and garland)
The dhoti which the groom was wearing as he entered the mandap is spread out on a wooden stool. The bride is then seated on. Her brothers, uncles or cousins then carry the bride into the mandap. She keeps her face covered with a paan (betel leaf). With the girl still sitting on it, the stool is rotated seven times. The girl then flings the paan over her head. A chaadar or sheet is then held over the heads of the bride and the groom and they glimpse each other for the first time that day. This is called Shubh Drishti. They then exchange garlands in a crossed manner, i.e., the boy's hands must pass through the girl's garland in order to garland her.
Marriage
The Bengali marriage is totally focused on the age-old Vedic customs, complete with chants and the 'yagna' or the holy fire. It is also accompanied with some social customs. The 'Chadnatala', bounded by banana plants, is decorated with 'alpana' or designs. The groom is brought here and is made to wear a new dhoti by the relative of the bride who gives the bride away to the groom. He is made to stand on a 'piri' (a very low wooden stool). The bride is then brought, sitting in another 'piri', carried by her relatives, and is circled clockwise around the standing groom for seven times, seven being an auspicious number for the Hindus. Hence ‘shat paake bandha'[1].
All along, the bride keeps her face hidden with a betel leaf. Then she is brought tete a tete with the groom for the 'shuvo drishti' where the bride and the groom look at each other. Before that, she covers her face with betel leaves.
Just after the 'shuvo drishti'[2] the bride and the groom exchange the garlands they had been wearing. This is called 'malabodol'[3]. The origin of 'malabodal' comes from the 'swayamvar sabha' which was a common practice among the princesses who chose to garland the princes they wanted as their husbands. In the 'Chadnatala' the barber plays an important role. He recites poems to drive away evil spirits from the place of the marriage. This is known as 'gourabachan'.
All through the ceremony a white cloth is held over the couples. The bride and the groom are made to sit together in front of the priest. The groom is given 'bistor'. It is a collection of fourteen 'kush'[4]. A puja is performed with 'padyo', 'argho', 'modhuparko' and 'aachomonio'. On the groom's right palm the bride's right palm is placed. The priest then places a cloth, five fruits and ‘kush’ and ties around with a garland of flowers.
To keep this relationship intact, slokes are chanted. This is the 'sampradan', when the bride is given away to the groom. The groom accepts the bride and the gifts. The five fruits and 'kush' are tied in the cloth provided. The corners of this bundle are tied to the groom's 'uttario'[5] and the 'anchal' of the bride's saari. This is the tying of 'gat chora'. Then 'yagnas', 'kusumdika homn' and 'laaj homn' are performed. Keeping Agni, the fire god as a witness, the bride and the groom move around the holy fire while the priest chants 'shlokas'.
Then the groom holds the right palm of the bride on his to perform the ritual known as 'panigrahan'. In Bengali marriages the groom puts 'shindoor' on the bride's forehead with a ring or a 'koonke'[6]. A saari is then placed on the forehead of the bride. This is the 'Laj Vastra'. Then the bride and the groom are pronounced man and wife.
Basor Ghar
On the wedding night the bride and groom stay awake the whole night and are accompanied by young people who spend the night playing games, singing and dancing and performing 'Stri Achar'.[7]
Bashi Bibaha
The morning after the marriage is also considered important for some places. The sindur ceremony is performed and the bride and the groom offer prayers to the Sun God. Another ritual known as 'Konokanjoli'[8] is performed where the bride throws a handful of rice grains behind her indicating the clearance of her debts to her parents. This ritual is of course obsolete.
Badhu baran
The groom returns home with the bride, the day after the marriage. The mother in law welcomes the bride while she sets her feet in her new home in a traditional Bengali style. The alpana or the design which is applied to decorate the grooms's place is known as 'Bouchatra'. The bride groom sets her feet on the alpona holding a fish in one hand and a pot of water on the other. These outdated rituals were tests to gauge the bride's capability to perform household chores and hold the husband's attention with an underline tone of sexuality. Then the bride and the groom both are blessed by the elders in the family and sweets are given to eat.
Kal ratri
The night after the marriage is called Kal ratri. This night the bride is not supposed to meet the groom. This custom probably has been derived from the myth of Lakhinder and Behula in the Manasamangal Kavya, in which Lakhinder died of snake bite on this day due to the curse of Devi Manasa.
Bhat Kapar
The day next, the groom offers new garments and food in new utensils to the bride. The groom promises to take care of his better half till death through this ceremony.
Bou Bhat
A day after the marriage day is the “Bou Bhat”[9]. This is the day when the new bride serves the guests a delicacy called ‘Ghee bhat’[10]. In the evening there is a get together of the two newly related families and guests.
Ful Sajya[11]
At night the 'Ful Sajya' is held in the house of the groom. The bride and the groom spend their first night together in a bed of flowers. From this day, the bride and the groom are truly man and wife.
Dwiragaman
Eight days after the marriage, the bride returns to his father’s home, accompanied by her husband. This is also known as “Ashtomongola”[12] or Dwiragaman . On this day the ‘Gat chara’ is unknotted. The newly wed couple spends the night at the home of the bride. The Ashtomongola marks the end of the Bengali marriage ceremony.
Marriage being an important part of our life is celebrated generally in the traditional form with great grandeur. The socio-cultural and religious factors play an impact on the ceremonies and rituals associated with marriages. Bengali marriages are a mixture of pure custom, tradition and religious beliefs. It is an occasion where the entire family gather, take part in the typical Bengali ‘Adda’[13], regale in fanfare and remain busy in making the necessary arrangements for the invitees.
Arrange marriage
In Bengali custom we have a tradition of arrange marriage. That means that father and the mother of the bride and groom will see each other and if they feel it is good they will fix the marriage. In most of the cases it happens to be an imposition of a wife to an unwilling husband or a unwilling husband on a wife. This may forced them to a stalemate situation and this may ends in to commit suicide. In my practical experience I have seen people to commit suicide due to dissatisfaction of marriage partner. Still now days a bride’s choice or groom’s choice are not the essential criteria to chose the marriage partner. I personally feel that life is not a bullock-cart. On one side the bride and the other side the groom has been selected and having the blessing o their parents they are going to start the sweetest relationship with a forced circumstanced. This cannot leads to happy marriage life. I personally feel that love marriage is better than arrange marriage. Because in case of love marriage both the bride and groom get an opportunity to decide whether she or he can live with person whole of the life or not. So it is an open question for them to decide. This may help them to be satisfied in their life. This may be influenced by the emotion but I don’t feel that in such question like this emotion will not misguide any body. I feel only emotion can help them to way out. So no arrange marriage.
[1] confined in seven round
[2] auspicious first look at one’s spouse
[3] exchange of garland
[4] types of long grass
[5] a decorative piece of cloth kept on the shoulders of the groom
[6] a bamboo made utensil to measure rice
[7] Stri, means woman and Achar activity
[8] Kanakanjali- in Bengali rituals when a girl goes to her in laws house she had to give back all the food she had taken for survival in her father’s house. The rationality behind this is that the girl’s actual home is her in law’s home so when going to her own home/house she should give back all she had been given by her parents.
[9] The day when the newly married wife first
[10] a mixture of rice with ghee
[11] Bed ornamented with flower
[12] Auspicious eight days of god
[13] Chatting
Since Bengal is mostly a coastal region, produce from the sea plays a significant role in all religious ceremonies - hence the important presence of fish, shell and corals. A salient feature of the Bengali wedding is the blowing of the conch and the Ooli. This is a sound made by the women with their tongues and by beating the palms on the mouth throughout all the ceremonies. Ooli is significant since it symbolically ensures that everybody's attention is drawn to the main ceremony and nobody is distracted by idle gossip during the ceremonies. Weddings do not take place in the months of Bhadra, Ashwini, Paush, Chaitra and Karthik, as these months are considered inauspicious. The mahurat for the wedding is always after sunset, the Godhuli hour or the hour when the cowherds bring their flocks home.
Myth about Bengali marriage
‘Marriages are made in heaven’, goes the proverb. Two people start of a new journey towards future, hand in hand, sharing at each step new outlooks, responsibilities and love. Marriage, is an auspicious occasion among us. Arranged marriage is still a common practice while love marriages, where partners choose each other without the intervention of their family members, are more prevalent in recent times.
Arranged marriages are still a widely practiced form of forming an eternal partnership where two completely unknown people tie knots for life with the initial introduction done by the help of both the families. These relationships are more based upon the foundation of adjustments, compromises, and sacrifices and a liking for each other which blossoms into love.
Bengali marriages are a mixture of pure custom, tradition and religious beliefs. It is an occasion where the entire family gather, take part in the typical Bengali ‘Adda’, regale in fanfare and remain busy in making the necessary arrangements for the invitees.
The willingness to take responsibilities, to carry out the chores or the last tidbit marketing is met with pleasure. There is a scenario of togetherness spread at every corner. Bengali marriage is a mixture of culture, tradition and rituals.
It consists of numerous customs, mainly traditional, performed by the women of the house, for the new couple. The actual marriage ceremony, comprising of Vedic rituals is performed with devotion for the young couple about to set up a new life. It only takes a few hours to be completed. The social customs are certain practices which are mainly guided by the women-folk and are aptly called ‘Stri Achars'.
The Bengali marriage ceremony like all other marriages are dependant upon numerous symbols that signifies good and evil, purity and sanctity, sexuality and other aspects of life. For instance, the colour black is not used as it indicates triste and hopelessness, while red is considered to be a sign of luck, emotion, fortune and copulation and is widely used in décor.
Banana trees are used to decorate the ‘mandap’ or the place of marriage. A banana tree produces huge number of fruits at a time. The comparison is drawn with the bride, who is also supposed to be blessed with many children. The ‘ghat’, the coconut, these all represent child bearing or pregnancy. All these customs are meant to guide the new couple to a prosperous life and a fruitful life. These customs were more prevalent in the bygone days especially to break the unfamiliarity between the couples and help them overcome their reservations.
Adhibus
The actual ritual of a Bengali marriage ceremony begins with the 'Adhibas'. It is a gathering held in both the homes of the bride and the groom. It is either held on the evening before or on the day of the marriage. The elderly women of the family take an active part here. The ‘baran dala’ or a ‘koola’ i.e. a container made of bamboo, is decorated with lines drawn with sindoor. The ingredients of the 'baran dala' are paddy, grass, sandal, turmeric, flowers, fruits, curd, ghee, gold, silver, copper, conch shell, 'chamor' and cloth. The 'baran dala' also consists of seven beetle leaves, seven supari (beetle nuts) and seven ‘kauri’ (shell) at the bride's place while the numbers increase to nine at the groom's place.
According to the West Bengal tradition, in a different platter a 'Sri' with rice and Mashkalai (variety of whole black leguminous seed yielding gram) is made. With all these the elderly folks bless the bride and the groom. The (durba) grass mixed with oil and turmeric are tied on the left hand of the bride and the right hand of the groom. According to East Bengali tradition the Adhibus ‘tatta’ or marriage items for the bride, are sent to the bride from groom's.
Dhadhimangal or Churakaran
On the day of the marriage, before the sunrise, in both the homes of the bride and the groom, their respective mothers, along with the other five ladies, bless the bride and the groom and treat them with curd and chira (crushed rice). The bride and the groom and their respective mothers and fathers have to fast till the marriage is over. If the sampradan is done by someone else other than the father, he or she has to fast through out the day too. According to the Hindu traditions fasting is common in all occasions and is a wonderful process of cleansing the body and the soul.
Nandimookh or Briddhashrddha
In the morning of the marriage, any male relative of both the bride and the groom have to perform certain rituals to please the souls of the long gone forefathers. They take a solemn vow before the commencement of the religious ceremony mentioning the purpose for which it is intended and offer prayers to Lord Ganesh and a Devi along with an auspicious symbol painted the inner wall of a room (Basudhara).
Bar Jatra
According to Bengali customs the groom travels to the bride's home in order to marry her. Many 'Stri-Achars' are performed when the groom sets for the bride's place. A little boy, preferably a relative, would be the 'nit bar' (little groom) and accompany the groom. This is basically done to outwit the evil eyes, which is said to harm the groom when he travels alone. In the yester years the groom used to travel in a palanquin alone, with the rest of the family following, to the bride's place. The bride and the groom are made to dress up like Lakhshmi-Narayan.
Wedding Attire
Bridal Wear
The Bengali bride wears a Benarasi sari with a wide zari border and drapes a red cheli or veil on her head. There is an attractive headgear in the from of a sholar mukut or crown carved out of pith (bark of a tree). The bride's forehead is marked by artistically designed motifs. The bride also wear traditional heavy gold jewellery. Her hair is put up with pins but must not be braided or knotted (a knot is usually tied when something is broken). Her head is covered with a dupatta. Her hands and feet are decorated with alta (a red coloured dye mixed with water). She wears a garland of flowers. The traditional marriage symbols for a Bengali woman are the three types of bangles namely shankha (conch shell bangle), Pala (lacquer bangle), and loha (iron bangle).
Groom's Wear
The bridegroom dresses in traditional white dhoti and kurta. The dhoti must not be tied with any knots. It can only be folded and tucked in. He drapes a chadar around his shoulders and adorns his head with a huge sholar topor that adds height to the wearer. His accessories are a floral garland around his neck and a metallic mirror, darpan, held in his hand. His make-up consists of chandan dots on his forehead. For the actual wedding ceremony, the groom changes into clothes gifted by his father-in-law. The ensemble, is a twin set consisting of a dhoti and chadar which is made of garad, a traditional silk fabric from Bengal. The dhoti must not be tied with any knots. It can only be folded and tucked in. He now wears a topor presented to him by his father-in-law.
Pre-Wedding Rituals
Ashirwaad
This ritual is performed on anyday not earlier than one month before the wedding and not later than one day prior to the wedding. The groom goes to the house of the bride. The bride's family gives him gifts. He also gets gold, in the form of a ring or chain. He is anointed with a sandalwood tilak on his forehead. Some dhaan (rice husk signifying plentitude) and darba grass (symbolising that he will treat the bride with tenderness) is offered to him. He is then offered mishti (sweets).
Ai Buddo Bhaat
On the night before the wedding, the would be bride takes her last supper as a maiden. In her honour a complete feast with all the delicacies of the cuisine (fish, meat, etc.) is prepared. The wedding day begins at 4.00 am for the bride. She is woken up, bathed and dressed in a white sari with a red border (white symbolising purity and chastity, and red, fertility). She wears all her jewellery and is fed a mixture of puffed rice, curd and sweets. She has to eat this before dawn or before the crows caw, heralding the morning. After daybreak, she is not allowed to eat any cereal or rice. She may only eat sweets, and drink water or sharbat. This is to keep her system light and alert for the ceremony to follow. The menfolk of the girl's family, that is, her father, uncles and brothers, perform a ceremony at about 11.30 or 12.00 in the morning. They offer water to the souls of their ancestors to invoke their blessings. The girl is required to sit through this ceremony.
Jal soha
It is the arrangement for the water to be used by the bride and the groom to take a bath after the ‘gaye holud’. This water taken from the nearby reservoir is made to drip from the urn all along the path, till the person carrying it reaches the temple. Here water is collected from a married woman who is given lac dye (alta) and sindoor (vermillion). From the temple the married female relative goes around the neighbourhood to collect water. Later the bride and the groom in their respective houses are made to sit in the midst of four banana plants arranged at the four corners of a square plot. The ritual 'Gaye Holud' is performed and later are bathed with the water collected.
Haldi Uptan (Gaye Holud)
The bride is made to sit in the midst of four plantain trees kept at four corners of the room. Traditionally, the plantain leaf symbolizes the blessings of Lord Shiva and Goddess Durga. The presence of these trees is required throughout the wedding ceremony. She is then anointed with turmeric paste.
Shakha Paula
The priest chants specific Sanskrit verses. Then seven married women adorn the bride's hands with the traditional bangles made of shell and coral. Since real coral bangles are too expensive, they have been substituted today with red plastic or lac bangles. The shell is supposed to mirror the qualities of the moon, thereby implying that the girl remain serene and calm. The coral is supposed to be beneficial for health. Alongside, the girl also wears a bangle made of iron (loha), which is given by the groom. This signifies that this relationship assumes the qualities of iron, i.e. to be tough and enduring. Then lunch is served to all those who are present. The bride is then dressed up for the wedding.
Potto Bastra
At the wedding venue the groom is welcomed with a boron (straw colander) containing a lamp, honey, curd, sweets, betel leaves and cowries (symbol of plentitude and auspiciousness). This is a pointer to the hope that his presence will bring light, his speech, sweetness, like honey, and that he stays cool like curd. The priest recites Sanskrit shlokas and the father of the bride gives the groom potto bastra, i.e. a dhoti and chaadar which he will wear for the wedding ceremony. At this time other gifts to the groom may also be given. The groom also wears a garland of flowers and is seated in the mandap.
Phool Mala (flower and garland)
The dhoti which the groom was wearing as he entered the mandap is spread out on a wooden stool. The bride is then seated on. Her brothers, uncles or cousins then carry the bride into the mandap. She keeps her face covered with a paan (betel leaf). With the girl still sitting on it, the stool is rotated seven times. The girl then flings the paan over her head. A chaadar or sheet is then held over the heads of the bride and the groom and they glimpse each other for the first time that day. This is called Shubh Drishti. They then exchange garlands in a crossed manner, i.e., the boy's hands must pass through the girl's garland in order to garland her.
Marriage
The Bengali marriage is totally focused on the age-old Vedic customs, complete with chants and the 'yagna' or the holy fire. It is also accompanied with some social customs. The 'Chadnatala', bounded by banana plants, is decorated with 'alpana' or designs. The groom is brought here and is made to wear a new dhoti by the relative of the bride who gives the bride away to the groom. He is made to stand on a 'piri' (a very low wooden stool). The bride is then brought, sitting in another 'piri', carried by her relatives, and is circled clockwise around the standing groom for seven times, seven being an auspicious number for the Hindus. Hence ‘shat paake bandha'[1].
All along, the bride keeps her face hidden with a betel leaf. Then she is brought tete a tete with the groom for the 'shuvo drishti' where the bride and the groom look at each other. Before that, she covers her face with betel leaves.
Just after the 'shuvo drishti'[2] the bride and the groom exchange the garlands they had been wearing. This is called 'malabodol'[3]. The origin of 'malabodal' comes from the 'swayamvar sabha' which was a common practice among the princesses who chose to garland the princes they wanted as their husbands. In the 'Chadnatala' the barber plays an important role. He recites poems to drive away evil spirits from the place of the marriage. This is known as 'gourabachan'.
All through the ceremony a white cloth is held over the couples. The bride and the groom are made to sit together in front of the priest. The groom is given 'bistor'. It is a collection of fourteen 'kush'[4]. A puja is performed with 'padyo', 'argho', 'modhuparko' and 'aachomonio'. On the groom's right palm the bride's right palm is placed. The priest then places a cloth, five fruits and ‘kush’ and ties around with a garland of flowers.
To keep this relationship intact, slokes are chanted. This is the 'sampradan', when the bride is given away to the groom. The groom accepts the bride and the gifts. The five fruits and 'kush' are tied in the cloth provided. The corners of this bundle are tied to the groom's 'uttario'[5] and the 'anchal' of the bride's saari. This is the tying of 'gat chora'. Then 'yagnas', 'kusumdika homn' and 'laaj homn' are performed. Keeping Agni, the fire god as a witness, the bride and the groom move around the holy fire while the priest chants 'shlokas'.
Then the groom holds the right palm of the bride on his to perform the ritual known as 'panigrahan'. In Bengali marriages the groom puts 'shindoor' on the bride's forehead with a ring or a 'koonke'[6]. A saari is then placed on the forehead of the bride. This is the 'Laj Vastra'. Then the bride and the groom are pronounced man and wife.
Basor Ghar
On the wedding night the bride and groom stay awake the whole night and are accompanied by young people who spend the night playing games, singing and dancing and performing 'Stri Achar'.[7]
Bashi Bibaha
The morning after the marriage is also considered important for some places. The sindur ceremony is performed and the bride and the groom offer prayers to the Sun God. Another ritual known as 'Konokanjoli'[8] is performed where the bride throws a handful of rice grains behind her indicating the clearance of her debts to her parents. This ritual is of course obsolete.
Badhu baran
The groom returns home with the bride, the day after the marriage. The mother in law welcomes the bride while she sets her feet in her new home in a traditional Bengali style. The alpana or the design which is applied to decorate the grooms's place is known as 'Bouchatra'. The bride groom sets her feet on the alpona holding a fish in one hand and a pot of water on the other. These outdated rituals were tests to gauge the bride's capability to perform household chores and hold the husband's attention with an underline tone of sexuality. Then the bride and the groom both are blessed by the elders in the family and sweets are given to eat.
Kal ratri
The night after the marriage is called Kal ratri. This night the bride is not supposed to meet the groom. This custom probably has been derived from the myth of Lakhinder and Behula in the Manasamangal Kavya, in which Lakhinder died of snake bite on this day due to the curse of Devi Manasa.
Bhat Kapar
The day next, the groom offers new garments and food in new utensils to the bride. The groom promises to take care of his better half till death through this ceremony.
Bou Bhat
A day after the marriage day is the “Bou Bhat”[9]. This is the day when the new bride serves the guests a delicacy called ‘Ghee bhat’[10]. In the evening there is a get together of the two newly related families and guests.
Ful Sajya[11]
At night the 'Ful Sajya' is held in the house of the groom. The bride and the groom spend their first night together in a bed of flowers. From this day, the bride and the groom are truly man and wife.
Dwiragaman
Eight days after the marriage, the bride returns to his father’s home, accompanied by her husband. This is also known as “Ashtomongola”[12] or Dwiragaman . On this day the ‘Gat chara’ is unknotted. The newly wed couple spends the night at the home of the bride. The Ashtomongola marks the end of the Bengali marriage ceremony.
Marriage being an important part of our life is celebrated generally in the traditional form with great grandeur. The socio-cultural and religious factors play an impact on the ceremonies and rituals associated with marriages. Bengali marriages are a mixture of pure custom, tradition and religious beliefs. It is an occasion where the entire family gather, take part in the typical Bengali ‘Adda’[13], regale in fanfare and remain busy in making the necessary arrangements for the invitees.
Arrange marriage
In Bengali custom we have a tradition of arrange marriage. That means that father and the mother of the bride and groom will see each other and if they feel it is good they will fix the marriage. In most of the cases it happens to be an imposition of a wife to an unwilling husband or a unwilling husband on a wife. This may forced them to a stalemate situation and this may ends in to commit suicide. In my practical experience I have seen people to commit suicide due to dissatisfaction of marriage partner. Still now days a bride’s choice or groom’s choice are not the essential criteria to chose the marriage partner. I personally feel that life is not a bullock-cart. On one side the bride and the other side the groom has been selected and having the blessing o their parents they are going to start the sweetest relationship with a forced circumstanced. This cannot leads to happy marriage life. I personally feel that love marriage is better than arrange marriage. Because in case of love marriage both the bride and groom get an opportunity to decide whether she or he can live with person whole of the life or not. So it is an open question for them to decide. This may help them to be satisfied in their life. This may be influenced by the emotion but I don’t feel that in such question like this emotion will not misguide any body. I feel only emotion can help them to way out. So no arrange marriage.
[1] confined in seven round
[2] auspicious first look at one’s spouse
[3] exchange of garland
[4] types of long grass
[5] a decorative piece of cloth kept on the shoulders of the groom
[6] a bamboo made utensil to measure rice
[7] Stri, means woman and Achar activity
[8] Kanakanjali- in Bengali rituals when a girl goes to her in laws house she had to give back all the food she had taken for survival in her father’s house. The rationality behind this is that the girl’s actual home is her in law’s home so when going to her own home/house she should give back all she had been given by her parents.
[9] The day when the newly married wife first
[10] a mixture of rice with ghee
[11] Bed ornamented with flower
[12] Auspicious eight days of god
[13] Chatting
Love and emotion
"It's so easy, to think about Love, to Talk about Love, to wish for Love,
But it's not always easy, To recognize Love, Even when we hold it .... In our hands."
--Jaka Love is emotion in motion, evolving consistently into higher forms. The moment a relationship of faith is made by this evolutionary principle, it becomes a relationship for life.
"For ever it was, and ever shall befall
That Love is he that all things may blind,"
Geoffrey Chaucer
But it's not always easy, To recognize Love, Even when we hold it .... In our hands."
--Jaka Love is emotion in motion, evolving consistently into higher forms. The moment a relationship of faith is made by this evolutionary principle, it becomes a relationship for life.
"For ever it was, and ever shall befall
That Love is he that all things may blind,"
Geoffrey Chaucer
Love is something that just happens to us. Remember your first crush: how you were swept off your feet and were in complete ecstasy (joy)? So much so that you never argue with the extraordinary formula. On the contrary, you would always wish to add novel ways of thinking about love per se.
Love is more than an activity, the only light, as philosopher J. Krishnamurti called it. It's also, in essence, emotion in motion. Which explains why there are multiple definitions of love, why they coexist in harmony, and why each person chooses the definition that suits him/her best at any given time. You would also notice how these denotations—including responses from your beloved—change with circumstances such as time.
According to Patricia H. Taylor, a noted counselor and relationships researcher and author of The Enchantment of Opposites (Traveling Artists Press, USA), love encompasses an attachment where people are actively and continually creating their experiences. They are thinking of themselves and their partners as refreshing, interesting and lovable persons to be with. In the process, couples consciously decide to be the kind of people who often explore what they want and how they wish to connect. They affirm to communicate with each other about roles and rules. The bottom line, according to Patricia, is that couples must become increasingly willing to write, and even rewrite, their rules of relating on an 'as-needed' basis.
"I love you, not only for what you are, But for what I am when I am with you."
Love is more than an activity, the only light, as philosopher J. Krishnamurti called it. It's also, in essence, emotion in motion. Which explains why there are multiple definitions of love, why they coexist in harmony, and why each person chooses the definition that suits him/her best at any given time. You would also notice how these denotations—including responses from your beloved—change with circumstances such as time.
According to Patricia H. Taylor, a noted counselor and relationships researcher and author of The Enchantment of Opposites (Traveling Artists Press, USA), love encompasses an attachment where people are actively and continually creating their experiences. They are thinking of themselves and their partners as refreshing, interesting and lovable persons to be with. In the process, couples consciously decide to be the kind of people who often explore what they want and how they wish to connect. They affirm to communicate with each other about roles and rules. The bottom line, according to Patricia, is that couples must become increasingly willing to write, and even rewrite, their rules of relating on an 'as-needed' basis.
"I love you, not only for what you are, But for what I am when I am with you."
--Roy Croft
Just ask anyone to list qualities necessary for a great relationship and you will be flooded with a host of commonplace answers—vitality, frolic, spontaneity, more than just conjugal bliss, meeting of the minds, mutual cheering club, soul mate, warm family life. The list is endless. You could add on a few more, if you like.
But the point is that the reasons for a relationship change over time. Which also explains why our representative list encases most of the sought-after qualities and roles for our times. That's not all. These are also qualities that successful couples tell others to embody.
Simple? Not really, because it needs a man and a woman to play the first partnership game—a pledge that allows us to explore and discover who among us is attuned to the psychical chemistry of the opposite gender. This is also a primary reason why a marriage of these differences creates a lasting alliance—notwithstanding a few 'jerks' that may take place during the course of any relationship.
Patricia places the idea thus: "Men and women bring their own special skills, desires, and differences to the partnership." Perfection, says Patricia, "is a starting point, a state of being that exists already”. The best way to find someone you want to be with forever, she adds, is to become that person yourself. Put simply, this means you have to imbibe the qualities you seek in others. Then, and only then, will you be able to attract a like-minded person. The golden rule, Patricia elaborates, is to believe that no matter how good our lives are, they can always get much better than most of us ever dare to imagine.
Add to that the importance of treating each other like successful singles on a date for life, and you have a truly great relationship in front of you—one that has come to stay. Such a relationship not only complements the feeling that you and your partner are doing the best you can every minute, but also works as a magical potion to develop security. It loves and receives love.
Great relationships don't contradict individual rules. It does not matter whether we are really biologically different. Indeed, our identities as male and female are not just anatomical interpretations but also culturally distinct. So, there it is!
Any great relationship needs to be personalized with an element of natural design, and more than a prospect of an attached sense of detachment. To find that 'space'—both within and without. To recognize how willing you are to start creating the relationship you want, how inclined you are to become the type of person who is deeply desired, what actions you can take now to start making yourself, and your partner, even more alluring. Great relationships also evolve in the mind. Even strings, as philosopher Marsilio Ficino extolled, seem to respond to strings that are similarly tuned, and one lyre resounds in answer to another, or a solid wall would echo to one who calls.
I think that Love is something like the two sparrows flying outside your window, accelerating in an instant into an ascending, intertwined spiral of their 'enchantment of opposites' jig. It's also a fine symmetry of the spirit. One that denotes life as a relationship, the most vibrant, beautiful, and mystical framework of this universe—with love per se being its essential and most basic principle.
Anyone who thinks love is not an emotion cannot possibly ever have been in love. Love may "originally" have been a driving factor to procreate, but with the social "plays" of humanity it has gone beyond that. I think it is much like the wings of a penguine. Originally it was for flying, but as the animal evolved further the wings are now used for swimming. Just the same, sex is not mainly used for procreation among humans, and love is more than a driving force to have sex.
The one time I was really in love with a girl, I didn't even think of sex. The love I felt was beyond that. Of course I wanted to have sex with her, but there were other things I wanted to do more. I just wanted to be with her, see her, smell her and hear her voice. That's real love I think -- the rest is lust, and lust is rather different from love as far as I'm concerned.
Our closest relative, genetically, is the bonobu or monkey. In their society everybody has sex with each other (women with women, men with men, mothers with daughters, etc). This is how they build up relations, and because of this, they live in peace and have no wars. This is in contrast with their bigger relative, the chimpanzee, which is a very violent species. The bonobu, so to say, makes love instead of war, and I don't see why humanity would be any different in this respect (except that we are not just as promiscuous and that we are the most devastating war-maker on the planet.)
So sex, love and procreation have some relation, but they should not be confused with each other because both sex and love can have a higher value than just "a physical urge to procreate".
When our emotions and our intellect are at odds, invariably we find that the language of our body and the language of our intellect are communicating conflicting messages. When our heart says "No" and our intellect says "Yes" we rarely wind up achieving our goals. By better understanding the primal messages of love and emotion that our body communicates, we can meld our emotional and rational desires into one comprehensive whole. Often instead, we deny our emotional longings by telling ourselves what we "should" be doing. Our intellect says we "should" do this or that, and our heart says "No thank you." and soon we have a stalemate. We simply are not designed to have our rational mind tell the body what to do and how to feel. We cannot command ourselves to secrete the various enzymes necessary for high quality digestion, and we cannot willfully direct ourselves to no longer feel heartbroken, depressed, or incompetent. To change our emotional experience, we need to speak to our body in the language of love and emotion. By stabilizing and calming our heartbeat, breathing, posture, hormonal flow, and visual focus, we can begin to affect changes in our overall mood, health, perception, and identity. As our enteric nervous system, and our reptilian and limbic brains orchestrate changes in our physiology, we change the structure of our thinking and emotions, and we change the physical structure and activity of our neo-cortex as well. Our somatic intelligence initiates the changes that lead to our emotional and physical well-being, and our rational mind will do well to honor such wisdom. Deny or denigrate the wisdom of the body, and you will find yourself constantly at odds with developing the conditions for health, happiness, and loving relationships.
Each human being has a primary set of internal relationships that make up the self. Indeed we can say that the primary unit of "self" IS relationship. No one part of the system of self is the commander in chief. No one part of the system is any more intelligent than any other part. Living a fulfilling life is a team effort. We need to cultivate a deep appreciation for the vital communication that emanates from the body, and communicate to the body in a supportive life-affirming manner. How to do this? "Speak" to your emotional self in the languages of poetry, music, dance, and visual arts. Take the time to exercise, breathe freely, and appreciate nature. Form supportive intimate relationships with friends, colleagues, and loved ones. Meditate, perform community service, and play with a child or a pet. Enjoy life, and appreciate the few moments you have to spend on this wondrous planet.
Just ask anyone to list qualities necessary for a great relationship and you will be flooded with a host of commonplace answers—vitality, frolic, spontaneity, more than just conjugal bliss, meeting of the minds, mutual cheering club, soul mate, warm family life. The list is endless. You could add on a few more, if you like.
But the point is that the reasons for a relationship change over time. Which also explains why our representative list encases most of the sought-after qualities and roles for our times. That's not all. These are also qualities that successful couples tell others to embody.
Simple? Not really, because it needs a man and a woman to play the first partnership game—a pledge that allows us to explore and discover who among us is attuned to the psychical chemistry of the opposite gender. This is also a primary reason why a marriage of these differences creates a lasting alliance—notwithstanding a few 'jerks' that may take place during the course of any relationship.
Patricia places the idea thus: "Men and women bring their own special skills, desires, and differences to the partnership." Perfection, says Patricia, "is a starting point, a state of being that exists already”. The best way to find someone you want to be with forever, she adds, is to become that person yourself. Put simply, this means you have to imbibe the qualities you seek in others. Then, and only then, will you be able to attract a like-minded person. The golden rule, Patricia elaborates, is to believe that no matter how good our lives are, they can always get much better than most of us ever dare to imagine.
Add to that the importance of treating each other like successful singles on a date for life, and you have a truly great relationship in front of you—one that has come to stay. Such a relationship not only complements the feeling that you and your partner are doing the best you can every minute, but also works as a magical potion to develop security. It loves and receives love.
Great relationships don't contradict individual rules. It does not matter whether we are really biologically different. Indeed, our identities as male and female are not just anatomical interpretations but also culturally distinct. So, there it is!
Any great relationship needs to be personalized with an element of natural design, and more than a prospect of an attached sense of detachment. To find that 'space'—both within and without. To recognize how willing you are to start creating the relationship you want, how inclined you are to become the type of person who is deeply desired, what actions you can take now to start making yourself, and your partner, even more alluring. Great relationships also evolve in the mind. Even strings, as philosopher Marsilio Ficino extolled, seem to respond to strings that are similarly tuned, and one lyre resounds in answer to another, or a solid wall would echo to one who calls.
I think that Love is something like the two sparrows flying outside your window, accelerating in an instant into an ascending, intertwined spiral of their 'enchantment of opposites' jig. It's also a fine symmetry of the spirit. One that denotes life as a relationship, the most vibrant, beautiful, and mystical framework of this universe—with love per se being its essential and most basic principle.
Anyone who thinks love is not an emotion cannot possibly ever have been in love. Love may "originally" have been a driving factor to procreate, but with the social "plays" of humanity it has gone beyond that. I think it is much like the wings of a penguine. Originally it was for flying, but as the animal evolved further the wings are now used for swimming. Just the same, sex is not mainly used for procreation among humans, and love is more than a driving force to have sex.
The one time I was really in love with a girl, I didn't even think of sex. The love I felt was beyond that. Of course I wanted to have sex with her, but there were other things I wanted to do more. I just wanted to be with her, see her, smell her and hear her voice. That's real love I think -- the rest is lust, and lust is rather different from love as far as I'm concerned.
Our closest relative, genetically, is the bonobu or monkey. In their society everybody has sex with each other (women with women, men with men, mothers with daughters, etc). This is how they build up relations, and because of this, they live in peace and have no wars. This is in contrast with their bigger relative, the chimpanzee, which is a very violent species. The bonobu, so to say, makes love instead of war, and I don't see why humanity would be any different in this respect (except that we are not just as promiscuous and that we are the most devastating war-maker on the planet.)
So sex, love and procreation have some relation, but they should not be confused with each other because both sex and love can have a higher value than just "a physical urge to procreate".
When our emotions and our intellect are at odds, invariably we find that the language of our body and the language of our intellect are communicating conflicting messages. When our heart says "No" and our intellect says "Yes" we rarely wind up achieving our goals. By better understanding the primal messages of love and emotion that our body communicates, we can meld our emotional and rational desires into one comprehensive whole. Often instead, we deny our emotional longings by telling ourselves what we "should" be doing. Our intellect says we "should" do this or that, and our heart says "No thank you." and soon we have a stalemate. We simply are not designed to have our rational mind tell the body what to do and how to feel. We cannot command ourselves to secrete the various enzymes necessary for high quality digestion, and we cannot willfully direct ourselves to no longer feel heartbroken, depressed, or incompetent. To change our emotional experience, we need to speak to our body in the language of love and emotion. By stabilizing and calming our heartbeat, breathing, posture, hormonal flow, and visual focus, we can begin to affect changes in our overall mood, health, perception, and identity. As our enteric nervous system, and our reptilian and limbic brains orchestrate changes in our physiology, we change the structure of our thinking and emotions, and we change the physical structure and activity of our neo-cortex as well. Our somatic intelligence initiates the changes that lead to our emotional and physical well-being, and our rational mind will do well to honor such wisdom. Deny or denigrate the wisdom of the body, and you will find yourself constantly at odds with developing the conditions for health, happiness, and loving relationships.
Each human being has a primary set of internal relationships that make up the self. Indeed we can say that the primary unit of "self" IS relationship. No one part of the system of self is the commander in chief. No one part of the system is any more intelligent than any other part. Living a fulfilling life is a team effort. We need to cultivate a deep appreciation for the vital communication that emanates from the body, and communicate to the body in a supportive life-affirming manner. How to do this? "Speak" to your emotional self in the languages of poetry, music, dance, and visual arts. Take the time to exercise, breathe freely, and appreciate nature. Form supportive intimate relationships with friends, colleagues, and loved ones. Meditate, perform community service, and play with a child or a pet. Enjoy life, and appreciate the few moments you have to spend on this wondrous planet.
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